A Series of Strange and Sometimes Unfortunate Events

Zambia is a sometimes beautiful, sometimes sad ,sometimes bewildering place. I thought I’d get a few experiences down in print that have happened to me since I’ve been here. I'm really doing this so that I’ll remember and not convince myself in twenty years I must have made up these completely ridiculous events.

Scene 1:

Arrive home from the market. A goat is tied to the post of our porch.
Me: Oh God, this isn’t a gift is it?!
Scott: I... have no idea.

Scene 2:

Woman carrying an entire twin bed frame on her head. No hands.

That one was just impressive.

Scene 3:

I am sitting on a bus next to a woman. She never speaks, probably assuming I don’t know Tonga. She stares. I try to ignore the fact that the person sitting five inches from my face is looking directly at me. She then proceeds to touch everything I am wearing. I am at this point staring back at her in complete confusion. She is unfazed and touches my hair, earrings, shirt, bracelets, necklace, ring, etc. All in complete silence. Then she stops as suddenly as she started and we both stare straight forward for the rest of the trip.

Scene 4:

One morning around dawn I was waiting in town for early transport to the clinics. As I sat next to the road, a transfer truck pulled in. 15 guys ran to help unload it. As they started, these paragons of manliness began to sing a loud and enthusiastic rendition of Shania Twain’s “Forever and For Always” in parts.

Scene 5:

The day I met Porno and his son, Cyborg.

Scene 6:

As I was making my usual walk to work, a little girl (maybe 4 or 5) ran up and took my hand like we’d known each other for years. She didn’t even look at me she just held my hand. She escorted me all the way to work and dropped me off at the gate of my office. She waved good bye and ran down the road.

Scene 7:

Around dawn, I was walking towards town to catch a cab. In the usual fashion a child comes up beside me to stare. He keeps up with me, staring all the while. I stare forward growing slightly annoyed that this is happening...again. He is looking at my shoes as I turned to match his intense annoying gawking. He looks up from my outfit to find me staring back at him. He lets out a small scream and scampers ahead. Little does he know that we are going in the exact same direction and I being a much larger person am going just as fast as his little scooting sprint. He panics thinking, I assume, that I will soon murder him. He ducks through the market but, I too, go that way through the market. He continues to look back at me in a soul-searing panic. At this point I can't control my laughter. He must believe, at this point, that I am certainly a monster. Eventually, he runs full tilt the opposite direction and I let him think that he's "lost" me and go the other way.

That is my one gift to the children of Zambia.

Scene 8:

Childbirth. Period. I can now say that I’ve caught placenta in a bucket.

Scene 9:

One day while we were far out in the bush visiting clinics, we hit a dove with the cruiser. I was very sad these blue doves were beautiful. The driver stopped, got out, and put the destroyed little bird in a plastic bag. He climbs back inside. Puts the bag in my lap and says, "dinner."

Scene 10:

The day 4 kids peed on me. I don’t really want to remember this one. Just know that it happened.

Scene 11:

One day I was visiting a clinic, with the folks who do Mobile ART (a service that brings meds to rural patients with HIV/AIDS). Crowds of people rushed the clinic. I was busy helping Esnart deliver a baby (I use the term "help" loosely- more like I got in the way while Esnart delivered a baby). I went out to find the In-Charge to find some delivery equipment. Shouts and rapid Tonga came out of the throng of people. I got close and moved through the crowd and found the In-charge holding a woman who was kicking another woman. A third woman had her hands on the weave of the first. "Help!" he struggled. I grabbed the woman with the handful of hair and pulled her back before some other folks finally stepped in and the fight was dispersed. It turns out the three women were wives to a man who was not present. One of the wives supposedly brought HIV into the family and the other women wanted her out. I helped escort the happy triad to the office for counseling. I then went back to the delivery room having completely forgotten why I left in the first place.

Scene 12:

The woman who passed me her baby and went to sleep on a bus.

Scene 13:

The woman who passed me her chicken and went to sleep on a bus.

Scene 14:

One day, as I was trying to get back to Choma, I grabbed a cab. It was a car roughly the size of a Toyota Corolla. They had one more spot and I felt lucky that I didn't have to wait for it to fill up. As we move down the road the cab driver tells the person in the passenger seat to put on his seat because we may go through a check point. The man looks around, hesitating. He takes the seat belt and wraps it twice around his neck. He settles back into the seat satisfied that the command had been accomplished. The driver just stares. Even he can't believe that just happened. He then pulls over and shows him how to use a seat belt in a way that will not actively try to kill him in the event of a fender bender. It was a truly painful lesson to witness. But "what a conscientious cab driver" I thought. As if God just thought of a joke, the driver pulls over again in front of a person flagging us down. "We are already full I say. No more." The driver laughs. The potential passenger then motions 2 other men out of the bushes. What follows is a lesson in body compression and shear dumb luck.

As if this happens all the time, which I'm sure it does, the men assume a spoon chain. We now have five passengers in the back seat crushed and spooning each other with two passenger now in the front seat.  The two proceed to buckle up for safety. I laugh cause why not? The man I'm spooning is palpably uncomfortable being held by a strange white woman. Then we approach the check point. There is no way we won't be stopped. Like no fucking way. We blaze through it like audacious clown car we are and nothing happens. The driver looks back at me and smiles.

"Seat belt" he says.

Scene 15:

I was once pinned in my kitchen for an hour by a cricket. It was the size of a mouse. I was not as terrified as I was mystified.

 

 

Rest in the knowledge that winning moments like these happen to me everyday. I've got more but I'll save them for another time. Hope you enjoyed.