I just read an infographic that said to start a blog you
have to have a unique or useful perspective. Well you, my faithful reader, have
probably realized I have neither but you read because you are my mom or one of
her friends. The entire concept of a blog like this is strange and a bit
self-serving and for that I apologize. This particular milieu is an interesting
product of my generation (or more accurately the one that followed mine)- our
parents told us we were special, our teachers were legally forced to do the
same and then Facebook happened and you get what we have today- a largely
insincere product that we feel compelled to create from an intrinsic part of
our psyche that is wholly convinced of our own perfect and beautiful
uniqueness. Well here's my beautiful, perfect, new thought for the day...
As you may or may not know- Peace Corps is over. Fin.
Complete. The end. Done. And a month has now passed since that time and a have
a number of feelings about it. Mostly I try not to put words to them because
they are unstructured, incoherent, and contradicting at times. The week
following Ring Out (PC Zambia's closing ceremony), I felt like a confident
force of nature- ending on a high note and most of all just happy to be moving
on to the next thing. Peace Corps was an incredible and constructive part of my
life. I learned things about myself and the world that I could never have known
otherwise. However, there were plenty of personal struggles and soul-shattering
moments that I will be happy to respectfully leave behind. I am grateful for
every moment but I want to regain some of the purpose and joy I felt before I
left. So, it's transition time again (which is ironic in its own right since
the past 28 months have felt like one long transition). And, unfortunately, a
side effect of transition is a prolonged feeling of suspension and one in which
you are unsure of who you are. To summarize it better I'll quote Bob Dylan's Shelter from the Storm:
"I was in
another lifetime one of toil and blood
When blackness was a
virtue and the road was full of mud
I came in from the
wilderness a creature void of form"
Now that you have a bit of actual good writing to tide you
over...
Unlike nearly all of my Peace Corps compatriots, I did not
use my final months to plan my future. I did not look for jobs nor did I apply
for grad schools. I simply finished my projects and ended my service. I gave
myself an arbitrary deadline of "after Christmas" to get myself
together and get a job. When I tell people I'm not working right now I get one
of two reactions- 1) "Oh don't worry you will find something soon!"
or 2) "Oh great! You need a rest!" While both are equally well
intentioned, neither reflect the rationale for this purposeful hiatus. I am
neither actively looking for work nor am I in need of rest. I am quite rested. I'm
cracker jack full of sleep. Nope, I am just jobless for a minute.
I would be lying to everyone if I said I am super happy with
this decision. At the time, it made all the sense in the world. Scott's job
pays well, so, I don't need to rush into a job just to make money and while
Peace Corps provided a great deal of personal growth it did not leave me
feeling prepared to take on the work force again and if anything I feel less
prepared for the rigors of starting a challenging career. So, I said to myself,
"Self, take some time and get back into the academic mindset, explore the
options and see if this trajectory is even what you want anymore." But,
being the competitive and achievement oriented person I am, I am finding it
hard to take my own advice. After all, I am getting no outside validation from
sitting around growing.
Perhaps the most troublesome side effect of this transition
period is that I feel defeated by other people's success which is a feeling
completely constructed by my own insecurities. It's hard to even go on social
media anymore. Friends who I am cognitively thrilled to see thriving in the
world make me feel like I am somehow failing in my static state. I find myself irrationally
admonishing myself for not excelling above my peers, which I fully realize is a
real dick perspective. It's hard to remember that Facebook and other platforms
are carefully crafted to showcase only the best and most fantastic things about
our lives. Regardless of reality, I still feel shitty. Perhaps I am really more
upset that I am still on the same roller coaster of emotions I've been on for
the past 2 years this time without the illusion of "changing the
world" or "doing God's work" (common accolades people shower on Peace
Corps volunteers). While I never felt deserving of these sentiments that were
blanketly heaped on my work, it was still a protective barrier from the
disappointment of failed projects and difficult counterparts and kept me from
feeling like I was actually failing in the eyes of others.
